(All names in this have been changed for the person’s protection and privacy)
I’ve seen so many personal stories on Tumblr about what people have gone through or what has made them who they are today and what a lot of people don’t realise is how much shit I went through as an early teenager. This blog is explaining why I, Ellie-Grace am here to help people like you, yes you reading this. Bare with me at the start, it’s long and drags on a little about my friend Megan, she’s the reason why I do what I do and the first few paragraphs give a description into how much her situation changed me as a person. I’m going to do this in two parts because it will be incredibly long as one post. But here we go…
It’s hard to pin point exactly when everything for me started but I do know it was around February 2009. My best friend Megan lost a few of her closest friends during February and she became extremely depressed again after a long and hard battle with depression in 2007. During this time I was only 12 and it affected all of us (our group at the time) greatly, we felt ourselves arguing and crying more and laughing and enjoying each others company less, but that’s what death within a friendship group can do to you. I wasn’t that close with the people that passed but being so young it did have a huge effect on how I acted and felt. Megan became so negative and it hurt to see her in so much pain, she had her up days and laughed a little but in total it felt like there was a part of her missing.
She became friends with someone overseas called Adam and he was a blessing to us, we were so thankful he was there for Megan to text or to call up whenever she was feeling suicidal or even just wanted a chat. Adam was an amazing guy to talk to for advice and was always available and when Megan chatted to him you would see her smile, she would make jokes and laugh with everyone which was fantastic but something was eating away inside of her and none of us really noticed it fully.
Her friend Steph and I started to notice slight mood changes (because we spent the most time with her) around August, and we started to get really worried and wondered if we should talk to someone about it, or even Megan herself but we came to the conclusion it was due to her current family situation which was partly true because Megan’s father passed away late August and it destroyed her. From then on she just deteriorated and I saw Megan, this beautiful 14 year old girl with brown eyes and black hair just fall to bits. She cried, every day, even on the good days she would cry herself to sleep. She would sit with me for hours and just rock back and forth, mutter silly little German sayings, cry and tell me how shit she felt and how she wanted to die so badly. I was still a child when she told me all this and my perceptive of this world; how beautiful, incredible and peaceful it was and my innocence slowly disappeared and what really destroys you as a 12 year old is that the world isn’t perfect, nothing and no one is and people around you are crumbling and crying. Falling to pieces. Wanting to end their life and all you can do is sit there and hope that it’ll get better because you have no clue what to do because you’re 12 years old. You’re still a child in many peoples eyes. Still naive enough to believe that if we close our eyes for long enough, everything will get better.
Throughout September Megan was in and out of therapy and hospitals, she wasn’t eating, she was cutting, she was throwing her food up when she did eat and she just wasn’t herself. It was horrible to see her go through that and it breaks me when I see/hear of other people who have to go through the same thing because I just imagine Megan in that state and I would do anything to help people in that situation. When she finally recovered (or so we thought) near the end of September we threw a party for her, which doubled as a birthday celebration for her, Jamie and Lisa. She smiled and laughed with us so much that night, not to mention everyone got pretty drunk (apart from me) and it felt like after months of fighting with everyone we were together again, like the perfect family. When I’m bored I look at the photos and videos from that night and listen to everyone screaming with laughter and dancing on the tables and just to see how much everyone has grown up since 2009.
October flew in and looking back, it flew in too fast, far too fast… On October 11th Megan and I sat in my Grandparents house and watched ‘Boy in the Striped Pyjamas’ and I shall never forget Megan’s reaction to that movie, I still feel guilty for what happened and I never usually tell people this side of the story but, Megan was half German and her grandfather fought in World War Two in the German army and Megan being reminded of the pain that the Germans caused on the Jewish killed her, she sat and cried about it for ages. She reassured me it wasn’t my fault that she was crying but I still feel some guilt for what happened next.
We found a journal of hers and the next bit is a quote of how she felt, instead of me trying to explain it…
“Everything is piling up. I fucking hate this. I really do. Mum is being a complete wanker with all this Nazi German shit, God I wish she wasn’t my mum. She’s been so abusive since dad died and hasn’t stopped drinking. I’m glad I live with Catherine and David, it’s so much better without her here. Her constant arguments with me were destroying me.. I can’t take this for much longer, I want out of this world. I do. I honestly do. I thought my pain would stop and these wounds will heal but they’re not and I CAN’T DO THIS. I don’t have hope in myself anymore. I make myself even sick. I’m so ashamed of who I am…”
It’s heartbreaking for me to read over that because within hours of her writing that Steph was sitting on the roof of Catherine (her sister) and David’s (Catherine’s husband) house because Megan was ready to jump. At this time I lived across from their house and I had my window open while I was doing my homework and I still swear to this day I heard Steph scream “Megan don’t. Please!” at around 18:20 although no one else heard it but there was no stopping Megan this time and unfortunately, she did jump and didn’t survive the fall.
I still remember where I was on October 12th 2009 at 18:47, what I was doing and how it looked outside and all like it was yesterday because it’s such a vivid memory. It was so dark outside and I was walking downstairs for dinner and my mum shouted at me because I was taking too long, she asked me if I had enough mashed potato on my plate and we sat down to eat at 18:46. My phone went at 18:47 and I got told off for texting so I put it away (I was texting Jamie) and then my phone started ringing at 18:50, I told my mum I needed to answer it so I went into the porch and Steph was crying to me, she could barely even breathe, let alone say anything but she managed to say, “Megan… Megan’s… Gone!” My immediate reaction was “Are you joking?..” and after a long pause and listening to Steph wail down the phone, I broke down. I fell to the floor and cried until my mum came out and just hugged me. I think I blacked out then because the next thing I remember was David at our door; he came in and just sat with me, I crawled onto his knee and I just lay there while he kept saying; “I’m so sorry Elle, I really am sorry. We tried everything.”
I will remember that night for as long as I live because of the effect it had on me at such a young age.
Part two will come very soon but I just wanted to let the people who follow our blog or even anyone who will read this that this is basically why I am here for anyone and everyone. Please do not hesitate to drop us a message and talk to us, I know what you’re going through and we will be here for you. We won’t judge you and your messages will never annoy us. We love to help and listen to others.
For anyone who is thinking of committing suicide I would just like you to personally know that it’s a horrible thing for your friends and family to go through. It causes so much pain and suffering and I would do anything, I would even give up everything I have just to have Megan back. So please don’t do it. It does get better!
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Rip Meg, love you with all my heart. See you some day.
Ps, sorry this was so long!